things i’m peeing my pants over…

first off, do you like my new hat? please tell me you like it. i got it today mostly, completely because of cute natalie and took it for a little test drive. a few questions, fellow hat-wearers, do you take them off in restaurants? how about department stores? what about when you’re sitting all by yourself watching reruns of toddlers in tiaras eating spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter? oh, bother.

onwards!

today i packed my entire life into three suitcases for five weeks worth of adventures. if you know me, you’d know that packing is one of the few things that can bring me to tears (along with sappy country songs, pixar movies, and my favorite shows getting cancelled). i am a terrible packer–on one trip i packed over eight swimsuits but only one shirt. yikes.

but this time i was happily packing! i am so excited for the next five weeks–lake trips, a family reunion, a new last name, and a cruise to the carribean are in store. are you peeing your pants yet? i am. speaking of, today at walmart i told the cashier that their bathrooms were so well hidden that i almost drained my main vein (not applicable for girls, i KNOW) right in the middle of electronics. she responded by telling me that she was suffering a strong case of sweaty-butt-syndrome and her underwear was sticking to her bum…i think i found my best friend today! just like me, she was literally incapable of making socially-acceptable small talk.

anyways, i will probably be a bit absent on the blog the next couple weeks. like, not completely but kind of. but! i will be posting over here next week about my style and other such silly things (please don’t laugh at my model attempts!)(…you promised!) …also i’m being nonchalant about this but i am stupidly excited! like, fifteen exclamation points excited!

happy saturday!

p.s. i’m a writer for craigslist now, don’t you know? if you are interested in a coffe-table or desk, look here and here.

things i don’t understand about boys…

 

(living in a house full of boys and growing up with a handful of guy-friends and more-than-friends-guy-friends, i feel like i have a good handle on the male race. sometimes. other times i am just left completely and entirely bewildered…)i don’t understand their…

::ability to sit and do the same mind-numbingly repetitive thing for hours and hours on end; only stopping to scratch their, in my brothers’ cases, mosman multipliers.

::unwillingness to work for food. when i am hungry, i will drop everything i am doing –be it exercising, studying, socializing– to tend to my ravenous needs. when i am hungry, i will eat…even if it means spending $15 for a mediocre meal or settling on a suspicious gas-station burritos and a day-old donut. boys, however, don’t seem to have that desire. for example, my brother chad won’t eat all day long if my mother doesn’t put the food in front of his face and force him to chew.

::(…on that note)real understanding of what ‘being hungry’ is. when i stumble upon delicious food, my hunger does not factor into whether or not i am going to eat…i am going to eat…you know? when i ask jeff if he is hungry he pauses for a few seconds as if he is listening to his stomach and generally bases his decisions off of that.

::obsession with being compared to bear grylls.

::love of lord of the rings, late night cartoon network shows, zooey deschanel, and all things involving fire.

::source of confidence and mood swings: height, how their team is doing, leg hair quantity and quality.

oh, boys…

 

we bought a zoo!

…or an apartment, rather. (but have you ever seen that movie? okay, bawled my eyes out! it was so touching and scarlett johansson officially never looks bad…ever. even in an ill-fitting zookeeper’s suit!) we are pretty, seriously excited about it…even though we can’t actually live there together yet…but, oh! is it fun to look at!and now i switch gears: how do you take a good self-picture on the phone, people?! jeff and i try so hard but every time the front camera is facing us we just…freeze. well, jeff does. he has this incredible ability to maintain the same face in every single picture (no, seriously. you should see all of our engagements!) while i twitch and dance like a strobe light. behold:…painful. this was supposed to be our ‘WE JUST SIGNED THE CONTRACT AND OWN AN APARTMENT!’ faces but, as you can see, FAIL. i think it is mostly due to our camera-awkwardness but also because we had, minutes before this picture attempt, realized that there was no dishwasher in the place that we had just signed for…and owned. three cheers for hand-washing? four cheers for paper plates and plastic cutlery?

i might just add this whole ‘selfy’ thing to the long, exhausted list of stuff that i am not very good at THUS pretend to think is lame. like slalom skiing, walking in heels, and hugging people with backpacks on (so lame!). as i told jeff on our first date, i am not humble by choice, i am humble by default (dangit, genes!).

now, five cheers to that!

a letter to myself at 15.

*it has been so strange and sobering to watch my little sisters grow over this past year. mckenzie is a bonafide hipster child with her big glasses and green skinnies and paige…let’s not talk about her, okay? she suddenly has lady curves and no braces and witty tweets? i don’t like this change. but this change does make me reminisce and thing about my early years in teenhood (and cringe, cringe, cringe). if i could go back now, i wish i could tell myself a few things…particularly my 15-year-old self:

dear brooke at 15,

hi, you! it’s you…well, me…who is you…from the future! i am sure you are all into this future-talking-to-present-that-is-actually-past-becaues-it-is-the-present type of thing; you are at a weird moment in your existence where you want to be different and unique and quirky so badly that you listen to music you don’t like and attempt books you don’t understand (we all see twilight creeping out from the back of that uncreased copy of war and peace). well, stop. you are different and unique and pretty rad in your own little way. perhaps it’s because you are SO. INCREDIBLY. NORMAL. admit it: just like 19/20 of the teenage girls around, crappy reality television makes you happy…as does diet coke, long bubble baths, and the occasional nicholas sparks’ book-gone-movie. i promise you, if you just accept this and move forward, you will save an entire year of grimacing through ‘animal collective’ albums (also i promise, promise, PROMISE that your worst nightmare will never actually be realized; you know? the one where all the songs and artists on your ipod are announced over an intercom and everyone judges you for listening to the black eyed peas and beyonce on repeat?).

also, get over that silly boy you are so sad about. a little factoid from the future: in about seven months, he will start growing dreadlocks and tattooing his forearms with his own initials and bob marley lyrics. yes. that guy. on that note, maybe just don’t date? anyone? but if you must, like, really must, date the nice boy who gets semi-flirty with you at the end of your junior year–he is not ‘the one’, but he is a good, good egg (and can grow a beautiful beard! you love beards!).

finally, don’t play basketball (you end up hating it), stop eating a large bowl of sugary cereal before bed every night (your pooch emerges at the tender age of 17), don’t cut the blonde of the bottom of your hair (the ombre comes back! and with vengeance!), and be nicer to yourself.

oh, brooke. if only you could see what you have coming in a few years…i think some of your decisions would be different. great things and people and opportunities await… and so does a really bad grade in science because you are semi-cheating your way through it? (PAY ATTENTION in that class, silly girl!) i know that things are kind of, sort of rough right now in a teen-angsty type of way, but it will pass. and it will get better, so much better.

…also hug your parents hard–partially because it might help cure your hug-awkwardness but mostly because they kick serious, serious butt.

now, go on! live! see you soon!

–brooke m.

p.s. don’t shoot the penalty kick in the district playoffs your junior year…you miss.

today i am especially grateful for…

the sweet lady at the passport place for complimenting my eyebrows. bless you, passport place lady!

long runs at my own glacial pace… in other words, long walks with short jogging stints (and lots of nicki minaj!).

intramural sports in their entirety. why are the people with wives and kids on the sidelines always the most aggressive and outspoken? why?

a super slow day at a super lax job that led to a shared root beer float with jeff and a phone call to my mom (phones at work?! i know!).

triple A for fishing locked keys out of the car for the 3,435,264th time (not my fault! not my fault!).

power naps.

that in a few days i’ll be on my merry way to omaha! omaha? omaha! to pick up my nikki friend and drive her to provo for a tour of town and a visit with the uvu golf coach (she’s a stud).

coworkers that know me well enough to bring me a large diet coke with two squirts of cherry and crushed ice during shift changes.

…and this guy for being…himself.

awkwards.

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App:: this lovely mask that the nurse-lady insisted i wear while in the waiting room. why? why?! WHY?! (even more awkward: getting caught taking this picture…oh, front camera, you are going to be the death of me).

:: choosing the exact wrong seat on the airplane back to salt lake city (it seemed like a winner! aisle seat! young couple to my right! no babies in sight!). the couple sitting next to me argued the entire time…about her calling him a dinosaur? apparently he made a weird face and she remarked that he looked like a dinosaur which seemingly sparked every insecurity in him; is it because i’m older than you? is it because of my nose? do i always look like a dinosaur? do you like dinosaurs? oy. vey.

:: trying to break the naked barrier (it has to be broken!) with a new roommate that always leaves when i’m changing. i am planning on just undressing in front of her; be it in the living room or kitchen or at the grocery store. it has to happen!

:: jeff trying to console me and my rants about how i know nothing about anything (finals week hit me hard)(…miss scarlet hit me harder!) by telling me that i know lots about lots of things. like tanning booths and celebrity gossip and things found in cosmopolitan, for instance. …i just blinked at him.

:: sitting by a kid in the testing center that blew a sharp little exhale after every. single. question. (…there were 180 questions!) i went through all kinds of emotions; at first i was annoyed, then infuriated, then oddly nostalgic? (his breath smelt like one of my high school friend’s did in the morning!), then humored.

:: the name ‘baby rat’; jeff realized that we lacked endearing names and decided to make up one of his one…thus, baby rat. would the name still seem marginally cute if i told you its namesake is the inevitable rat-tail that is the result of my high hairdo’s and buns.

:: going to the happy sumo’ and seriously tiring the “I’M A HAPPY SUMO!” joke after nearly every bite.

:: newborn babies. i just don’t know what to think of them. i am the type of person that needs some assurance; am i funny? do you like me? is this face scary? am i wasting my effort entirely? are you sleeping?!

:: striking up casual and obligatory conversation with a person in passing and asking them where they are from…only for them to reply: “where am i not from?” umm…i don’t know. where are you not from? this could take a while. dang philosophicals.

the end.

awake.

did you ever see that movie starring jessica alba called awake? it was sick! she had her eyeballs transplanted and was seeing all these creepy face things and…anyways. the point is i am WIDE AWAKE right now. perhaps it is due to the fact that i took a three-hour (much needed!) nap today? or perhaps it is due to the fact that the two times i ran to the grocery store today i bought large cherry coke zeros and chugged them instantly.

speaking of people who are super kind (segue? oh yes i did!), today i stopped at the gas station before work to get a large bottle of water and a granola bar. the woman working at the counter was so nice! we had a three-minute conversation and at the end of every sentence she would call me an endearing name…every time! sugar, honey, sweetie, dear…oh, it was the best! thank you, dear chevron lady!

furthermore i bought a case of pepsi ‘next’ (with 60% less sugar! the thought!) today. i’ll tell you how it goes… and guess what? this weekend i played croquet and scored NINE POINTS? how am i so bad at every sport involving a stick and/or actual coordination (fishing…fishing…)?

also! also! i had a doctor’s appointment today in which the doctor told me all matter-of-fact that ‘men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots’ …i’ll let you guess what the doctor’s appointment was about. ha. she truly taught me the doctrine of…yes, that. i would love to say i didn’t sit there and giggle-blush the whole time…

finally, did you watch the kids’ choice awards? please tell me you did. and please tell me you saw selena and peeta-in-real-life posing together? oh yes they did! didn’t you like his haircut? and how do you feel about emma stone as a blonde?

…okay, that’s all. maybe i’ll sleep now.