a conversation…

this conversation actually happened on saturday at work:

(phone rings…)

me (in an overly chipper manner)(…i always accidentally yell when i answer the phone at work…): HI! waikiki beach tanning, this is brooke.

man: do you guys do waxing?

me: well, no. we are a tanning booth that just…tans? but i know the place next door to us does!

man: what type of waxing do they do?

me: the…good kind? i think they wax eyebrows and lips and chins and…faces?

man: do they do manscaping? like, brazilians?

me: (not masking my disgust) no…

man: i’m in need of a good one.

me: oh. well. right. perhaps in draper…or at a spa…or, somewhere?

man: that’s far! i am actually sitting in the bus outside of your salon right now…

(look up and see decrepit 80-year-old man in a large school bus enthusiastically waving at me…i slowly raise my hand and wave back and try to not. visualize. anything.)

me: oh, wow! hi! waving! at me! it’s you! waving!

man: yes. it is.

me: …

man: well, i better keep trying. it’s urgent, you know what i mean? (laughing) bye, honey.

me: …

puking, puking, PUKING! why do these things always happen to me?!

cinco de mayo!

*i meant to publish this on the actual fifth of may, but seemed to have forgot? forgive me?happy cinco de may…o! can i just tell you about my morning? i woke up with every intention to go to the gym and then waited at a stop light for twenty minutes as provo city marathoners panted on by me and my car. seeing the runners so tired was motivation…to crawl right back into bed. being exhausted just looked so…exhausting, you know?

a few bowls of cereal and a nap later, i was ready for another try at the gym. i hurriedly threw on some workout clothes and ignored my emerging food baby as i ran out the door–who was going to see me, right? i saw that there was a zumba class about to start and sprinted in there, hoping that no one would notice how late i was…or my food baby. right as i walked in, the instructor finished some long-winded explanation about waiver forms and consent and…wait, why are there cameras?!

i ignored it all and took my place right in the back of the class by the wall. i figured no one would see me…wait, WHY ARE THERE CAMERAS?! as the instructor began the routines (it should be illegal to look that good in orange spandex…!), i began to feel like someone was watching me and self-consciously body popped along with the class. then i realized that i was standing right in front of the camera! i asked the girl next to me and she said that it was a cinco de mayo zumba party and that they were filming for the club’s website!

great.

me and my food baby weaved our way into the middle of the class and hid from the camera for the rest of the hour. why do i always have the worst luck?

also the zumba class is so funny. there is this one girl in it who i think is a reencarnation of the greek god narcissus. she hardly ever follows the instructor and instead trails off on hair whipping and body rolling tangents…which makes me trail off on staring and oh-my-gosh-is-anyone-else-seeing-this?! tangents.

…i’m making fun of her now but in actuality i always try to strike up a conversation with her after every class. we have basically nothing in common besides that we both like water? i was desperate for conversation…i just want to be friends…

…and scene!

awkwards.

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App:: this lovely mask that the nurse-lady insisted i wear while in the waiting room. why? why?! WHY?! (even more awkward: getting caught taking this picture…oh, front camera, you are going to be the death of me).

:: choosing the exact wrong seat on the airplane back to salt lake city (it seemed like a winner! aisle seat! young couple to my right! no babies in sight!). the couple sitting next to me argued the entire time…about her calling him a dinosaur? apparently he made a weird face and she remarked that he looked like a dinosaur which seemingly sparked every insecurity in him; is it because i’m older than you? is it because of my nose? do i always look like a dinosaur? do you like dinosaurs? oy. vey.

:: trying to break the naked barrier (it has to be broken!) with a new roommate that always leaves when i’m changing. i am planning on just undressing in front of her; be it in the living room or kitchen or at the grocery store. it has to happen!

:: jeff trying to console me and my rants about how i know nothing about anything (finals week hit me hard)(…miss scarlet hit me harder!) by telling me that i know lots about lots of things. like tanning booths and celebrity gossip and things found in cosmopolitan, for instance. …i just blinked at him.

:: sitting by a kid in the testing center that blew a sharp little exhale after every. single. question. (…there were 180 questions!) i went through all kinds of emotions; at first i was annoyed, then infuriated, then oddly nostalgic? (his breath smelt like one of my high school friend’s did in the morning!), then humored.

:: the name ‘baby rat’; jeff realized that we lacked endearing names and decided to make up one of his one…thus, baby rat. would the name still seem marginally cute if i told you its namesake is the inevitable rat-tail that is the result of my high hairdo’s and buns.

:: going to the happy sumo’ and seriously tiring the “I’M A HAPPY SUMO!” joke after nearly every bite.

:: newborn babies. i just don’t know what to think of them. i am the type of person that needs some assurance; am i funny? do you like me? is this face scary? am i wasting my effort entirely? are you sleeping?!

:: striking up casual and obligatory conversation with a person in passing and asking them where they are from…only for them to reply: “where am i not from?” umm…i don’t know. where are you not from? this could take a while. dang philosophicals.

the end.

engaged and underaged.

when jeff called to ask me out on our first date, i was mortified to tell him to pick me up at the dorms. i felt like i had basically and definitely just forfeitted every and any shots at an actual relationship. for the first few weeks, every time he’d drop me off i’d feel all panicked that he would suddenly realize that he was, in fact, dropping me off at heleman halls (…where there are curfews and strict visiting hours and floor sleepovers…!) and that i was, in fact, a nineteen year old baby.

ha.

thankfully, he just laughed off the awkwardness of the whole situation and began using my meal card and vending machine privileges to their full capacity. in fact, even today he makes jokes about it. when we were looking at cruises for our honeymoon, there was a cruise that was strongly suggested for kids/teens and married couples. he shrieked with delight and said that i’m both! this cruise was especially tailored for us! maybe they’ll have a teen room that i can hang out in? joy.

any time we are talking to a new group of his friends and family, i tend to try to avoid the question: “so, where do you live?” (along with: “how old are you, again?” and “how long have you been dating?”–ha!). i’ve learned to either quickly make a diversion from the conversation (like a coughing fit or panic attack) or just answer honestly and truly and own it (…or lie. jeff does it too! he says that he always looks the person in the eyes and thinks are they going to judge me? ha. sometimes i am 22 years old, we have been dating for 8 months, and our families were the best of friends growing up…like, basically it was an arranged marriage type of thing!…thanks, jeff?).that said…i think i am going to miss the conversation killing “…i’m a freshman…” answers and the uncomfortable heleman halls drop-offs where we are sharing a door way with another couple that’s on their very first date. i only have a week more of being weird-engaged-freshman-girl and i really just want to soak it up. maybe wear my wedding dress to church? tell everyone in my ward over the pulpit? blog post about it?

…or perhaps just fail some core classes so that i am a freshman once more? victory lap? perhaps?

…we’re doing engagements?

i’m really, REALLY bad about reading emails. i usually just read the first couple words and formulate a response based upon that…or just delete the email all together. usually this is quite effective for me but sometimes it gets me wrapped into shooting engagement photos?

the story: a reader of the blog, HI KRISTA!, emailed me a few weeks ago and asked if she could use my photography help. well, she actually asked me if i would shoot her engagement photos but from the first couple words i gathered that i was going to help her with her camera? or something? i obviously said yes (SHE READS MY BLOG!) and agreed to meet her saturday by the whale mural in provo.

i sat outside the hookah lounge (yes, provo has one) trying to figure out what advice i could give her about her camera being quite the noob myself. a few minutes later i see her (or what i hoped was her–we’d never actually met before) and her cute fiancĂ© walking across the street with a large bag of props.

“so we have scrabble pieces and chalk and confetti and superhero shirts and we are so excited!” she said to me.

“…ME TOO! oh my goodness. i am so excited!” …i had no idea what was going on. i just started asking them questions and five minutes later realized that i was shooting their engagement photos! haha. i reread the email after and saw that she had clearly stated and asked if i would be willing to. oops! it all turned out so great though and was so much fun–they’re the cutest little couple; their first date was to a convention teaching you how to draw DRAGONS and they both love comic books…and they laughed at all my jokes and weren’t awkward when i talked about their future children.

we ended the day eating cheap (…and kind of gross) mexican food on center street and chatting about how funny provo can be at times. what a happy accident! :)

night hiking pt. II

…i forgot that i had taken these last night! i had to bring a tripod for experimenting with the long-exposure…and also to take some self-timed pictures! ;) four pictures were taken rapid-fire style and jeff’s face really sums up his thoughts about my poses (and sound effects)…heaven help him! …the face in the last picture HAD to be a little staged…right?!

barriers.

i’m going to feed it to you straight and not try to be poetic about this matter-at-hand: friday night at approximately 11:37, the fart barrier was broken…by me.

we were sitting in his little white car per usual. my feet were up on the dash and the heat was on low…i was relaxed. too relaxed, evidently. i was in the middle of telling a story about my childhood. i love talking about my childhood; well, talking and lying. most of the time i seriously embellish stories of my childhood (well, most of the time i seriously embellish stories of…everything). and then…

it came out. fast and short and sort of loud. just like my friend taylor!

i didn’t know how to react, for sure he had heard it! i decided immediately to own it…midsentence:

“i was so happy on my eighth ijustfartedjustthen.”

“…wait, what?”

“i was telling you about my eighth birthday party and how ijustfartedjustthen.”

“oh, well…there’s benefits to that…”

and then he ripped one. long and piercing.

….just kidding.

but i already miss it! it’s like your first kiss; you’re glad tofinally get it over with so your stomach will stop hurting so much (over nerves! or indigestion!) when you’re with the other person but once it’s gone, you miss it! you’ll never have it back!

stories of smelly farts and loud farts and it-wasn’t-me farts continued for the next half hour as i nodded along and thought about the monster i had created (and laughed hysterically)(and contributed my own stories)…what have i done?! I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. i miss the barrier!

…and ijustfartedjustnow…(joke!)(…ish!)