i’m going to feed it to you straight and not try to be poetic about this matter-at-hand: friday night at approximately 11:37, the fart barrier was broken…by me.
we were sitting in his little white car per usual. my feet were up on the dash and the heat was on low…i was relaxed. too relaxed, evidently. i was in the middle of telling a story about my childhood. i love talking about my childhood; well, talking and lying. most of the time i seriously embellish stories of my childhood (well, most of the time i seriously embellish stories of…everything). and then…
it came out. fast and short and sort of loud. just like my friend taylor!
i didn’t know how to react, for sure he had heard it! i decided immediately to own it…midsentence:
“i was so happy on my eighth ijustfartedjustthen.”
“i was telling you about my eighth birthday party and how ijustfartedjustthen.”
“oh, well…there’s benefits to that…”
and then he ripped one. long and piercing.
but i already miss it! it’s like your first kiss; you’re glad tofinally get it over with so your stomach will stop hurting so much (over nerves! or indigestion!) when you’re with the other person but once it’s gone, you miss it! you’ll never have it back!
stories of smelly farts and loud farts and it-wasn’t-me farts continued for the next half hour as i nodded along and thought about the monster i had created (and laughed hysterically)(and contributed my own stories)…what have i done?! I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. i miss the barrier!